Dependent is Okay

I feel like I get the same message over and over from different people. It is always a similar story. Their baby, generally around 7 months to one year cries when they leave. He wants to be with them all the time. Relatives are telling them he is too dependent on them, that this isn’t normal. Maybe they’re pushing the parents to put him into daycare so he is less dependent. There is always one more striking similarity in these messages. The mother always says her instincts tell her he is just that, a baby and being dependent is okay.

And every time I tell these mothers the same thing: trust your instincts.

It is totally normal that your baby is dependent on you. In fact, it is necessary your baby is dependent on you.

I don’t know where we got this idea that babies are meant to be independent. I knew this was a popular feeling around sleep but I chalked that up to exhausted parents who just wanted a bit more rest.

Children are born completely dependent on caregivers. That dependence is why parenting is necessary. That dependence also lasts a really long time, longer than any other species. Children are in need of not only food and shelter, but guidance, direction, support, approval, and a sense of belonging.

Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté write in Hold On to Your Kids, “We cannot truly take care of a child who does not count on us to be taken care of, or who depends on us only for food, clothing, shelter, and other material concerns.” The authors stress the importance of children looking to us to meet their emotional needs. Children need these things to be provided including well after babyhood.

If we do not meet these needs they have to be met elsewhere with peers. While peer relationships can be valuable in other ways they are not where our children should be meeting these basic emotional needs. Peers are developing themselves. They also do not have the unconditional love we have for our children. If we want to instill our values and our family culture we need to be the ones our children depend on.

Now, age-appropriate independence is wonderful. Preparing an environment that allows our children to act independently empowers them. Including them in household tasks gives them a sense of belonging. Children feel pride in working hard to get their shoes on by themselves for the first time.

Emotional dependence though is crucial. We shouldn’t shy away from our children depending on us to meet their emotional needs. We should lean into it.

So if you are hearing that your child is too dependent or too attached, trust your instincts.

After all, real independence comes through dependence, not through pushing our children to be more independent.