How We Manage Sibling Conflict During Play
This post may contain affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you buy through my link but does not change your price.
“I’m playing with that Maggie. Here you can play with this person,” my son said to my daughter this morning, pulling away the dollhouse he was playing with. My second child is mobile now, getting into EVERYTHING and it is a whole new dynamic between my two children.
A baby becoming mobile is incredibly exciting but for the relationship with an older sibling, it poses a whole new set of challenges. When your younger child becomes mobile and is able to enter your older child’s play space and take their things it gets a bit more complicated. Here are some of the things we have been doing to navigate that transition.
Turn Taking Instead of Sharing and Verbal Redirection
Sharing is not developmentally expected for young children but we can teach children to take turns. This often looks in our home like me narrating what I see happening and redirecting as necessary. “M is playing with that right now. You can play with it after. What would you like to play with while she plays with that?”
Redirection here goes both ways. Your toddler may struggle with your baby playing with certain toys. I know with my toddler often when my baby starts playing with something is exactly when he decides he wants to play with it too. I’ve heard this same complaint from many and it is so tough. This means I often have to redirect my toddler and remind him that my baby is playing with something and he can play with it after.
I think it is also really important that if the baby grabs for something instead of quietly moving her or saying something like “she’s just a baby, let her have it” you are verbally redirecting the baby as well. I will say things like “Your brother is playing with that right now. You can play with this.” This lets my toddler hear that I am watching out for him when he is playing with something just as I watch out for my baby when she is.
This also allows him to learn to solve his own problems with his little sister. I have guided him through this as well, encouraging him to give the baby something else if she is trying to reach for something he has. He uses the same language I use to redirect her. While I still help him often by redirecting her I also want to give him the tools to solve his own problems.
One skill I taught my toddler from when my baby was very little and first started grasping at things is the trade. Basically, I taught him that if she is playing with something he wants he can attempt a trade. If she accepts the trade, great. If not, he needs to let her keep the item she is playing with. It might not work and it will likely work less as she gets older.
Sportscasting
The goal for me is over time they can solve their own problems and I am rarely getting involved in this sort of thing. This leads to another tool I use in these situations: sportscasting. When sporstcasting I point out what I see without taking a side: “two babies both want to play with x. What could we do?” for example. This encourages my toddler to think through how he can solve this problem on his own. Again, since I have modeled and led him through this more directly he is often able to do it himself. Ideally over time, I will shift to a lot more sportscasting and a lot less direct redirection/involvement.
Have the Older Child Teach
I like to invite my toddler to teach things to my baby. I find when he feels that ownership over her learning something he is happier to let her do it after rather than wanting to take the toy or material. This has been crucial in the kitchen. My son loves to cook and it has always been a special time for us. Inviting him to teach her how to do things like wash vegetables and peel bananas has meant he is excited for her to take over those tasks rather than feeling like she is stealing them from her. I try to do the same with toys when possible. Instead of modelling myself I ask my toddler if he wants to show my baby how it works. Often he does and once he has shown her he is more patient for her having a turn than if he didn’t get the opportunity to show her.
Separate Play Spaces
Providing your toddler with a play space safe from the baby can be incredibly helpful. My son knows that he can use his table if he is doing puzzles and doesn’t want our baby to destroy them. As toddlers get older generally their play gets more involved and having a space where the baby will not destroy what they are working on is more important.
Some use a play pen and baby gates for the toddler. This is likely the reverse of what you would think but if it is doable it is a really great ideal Babies need to be able to explore and if you are able to provide more space in the home for them to explore, that is ideal. Thus using something like a playpen can be really helpful as a space your toddler can go to do something that the baby cannot get into.
We also use Montessori work mats to delineate space. This helps us set boundaries around who is playing with what. Though these are not physical boundaries keeping the baby from reaching things like a table is, they are still helpful in creating visual boundaries. I again verbally redirect my baby, explaining that the work mat my toddler is using is his work space. I put her toys on a mat as well to create a clearer visual boundary for my toddler. When she was smaller, her topponcino served as that visual boundary.
