Attachment, Independence, and Dependence
Last week for the first time my 10-month-old woke up from his nap, got out of his floor bed by himself, crawled over to his toys, played a bit, and then came and found us.
It was an incredible milestone. It also was a fantastic illustration of how I feel about the interplay of attachment, independence, and dependence. I often struggle to give an easy elevator pitch about what Montessori is. Probably most think of Montessori as about independence, which is true. However, without a deeper discussion about what independence is and how attachment fits in I worry about that being misconstrued.
I always try to stress that true independence is not built by pushing our kids to be more independent, but by building a strong attachment and being the safe base from which they can explore. True independence comes through dependence. Our children must have their attachment needs met so they can securely focus on other desires rather than focusing on filling those attachment needs. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté in Hold On to Your Kids explain independence and dependence as seasons. You can not get to summer without first passing through spring.
Our young children are dependent on us. They should be dependent on us.
And yet I also believe in the value of independence in Montessori. Offering our children opportunities for independence empowers them. It allows them to take them when they are ready. I see it not as pushing our children to be independent but removing the obstacles that keep them from developing their independence when they are ready.
This is well explained with my son’s floor bed example. The floor bed allows my son the opportunity for independence. It in no way pushes him to be independent, however. He depends on me for sleep which is totally expected and normal. I lie with him as he falls asleep. I always come when he signals for me. For months he has slept on his floor bed and when he called out, I appeared. Through this, he built the trust to know that I am there. This security allowed him to wake up and instead of signaling, get up independently and play.
Removing the barriers to independence (the crib) allows him the opportunity to practice independence when he is ready.
It is also important to note that tomorrow if he calls out instead of getting up, I will come to him. Connection always comes before independence. I never want to force him to be independent because I think he “should” be able to do something, even if I have seen him do that thing before. This doesn’t mean swooping in to help him when he is working on something. Struggle is okay. It builds resilience. But, when he is seeking connection, I am there. There is no learning of independence in a state of distress.
There is a huge difference between a child struggling to put on their shoes independently who is expressing counterwill (an instinctive reaction to feeling forced by another that generally appears most blatantly in the toddler and adolescent years) and wants to do it and a child calling out for help from a parent who decided they were big enough to do it themselves.
The motto of the toddler is “I do it myself.” This is a developmentally normal and healthy display of a child’s counterwill. It serves the development of true independence as our children discover they are separate people. When this happens it is our job to give our children opportunities to develop this autonomy while continuing to nurture the attachment. Giving our children the tools to do it themselves allows them to practice that desired independence at their speed.
At its core, the Montessori philosophy is about following the child. That may mean independent dressing at a young age, but that may not. That may mean toileting at a young age, but that may not. Often children are drawn to practical life tasks because they are what they see the adults around them doing. They create a sense of belonging by contributing to the family.
Child-sized cleaning supplies, accessible clothing, accessible snacks: those all remove the barriers to a child’s independence. The Montessori mantra of “help me help myself” is exemplified in this.
Instead of telling a child asking for help that they are capable of doing it themselves I would help and look for ways I could prepare the environment so they could do it themselves next time.
There is a reason that many processes of independence in Montessori take a long time. The Montessori method of toileting, for example, often starts early because children become interested in toileting, but it takes a long time. It is not a three-day method of independence in the bathroom. It generally doesn’t even take weeks but months, because each step is done slowly when the child is ready.
If your child’s independent play looks like sitting on your lap while playing with their toys, that’s okay. Fostering independence in an attachment-oriented way looks like allowing for dependence while preparing an environment that allows children to practice new skills and succeed on their own, when they are ready.
